Contains Strong Language
We had been following the otter for some time now. The cave seemed to feel scarier as we ventured deeper inside it as if it might eat us whole. While Kiah held the torch and retraced his steps followed by the rest of the group, I began to fall behind. In the cold darkness I felt the guilt of Nick’s death weigh over me yet again.
I felt like I had moved on from him too fast, both physically and mentally. I felt terrible after celebrating finding the cave. What good is shelter if I can’t share it with the man I love? I offer my gratitude to the darkness of the cave as it does not interrupt my solemn contemplation.
I try to stay just within eyesight of Kiah’s torch. I don’t want to get lost in the cave either. I don’t know what I’d do if I did. I can barely make out the otter’s tail limply moving back and forth as he walks. Kiah feels terrible about losing Pan, the two are best friends and probably still would be even if this fucking apocalypse hadn’t happened.
I have to admit part of me liked the otter. His youthful charm and laughter helped keep me from feeling down, before Nick died. Now I look to his jokes and wit for help, but I don’t get much, because it isn’t helping me anymore. I’ve sank too deep.
Clay is walking close to Lakota. Something about his love for her feels fake, like he has ulterior motives or he’s objectifying her. Maybe, it’s the fact that he probably hasn’t gotten laid in the past couple of years. I mean, that’s reasonable, but I feel like she’s vulnerable. I trust Clay right now, but I don’t want him to cause Lakota anymore pain than the pain she’s already endured. Clay might not look bad now, but not all abusive relationships start out with a drunken murderous husband.
Maybe, I should try and talk to Lakota. She said she would be glad to. I need to have some sort of mental preparation if Pan winds up being dead or lost forever in this labyrinth of a cave. In the back of my mind I know nothing could prepare me for two deaths in less than a week. I’d go crazy.
I focus my eyes on the swish of the wolf’s white tail as I walk towards her. As I get nearer I catch a glimpse of Clay bringing his paw around her waist. She doesn’t seem to mind, and leans her head on his shoulder as they continue to walk.
Part of me wants to be fine with this coyote-wolf relationship, but it doesn’t feel right for them to be waltzing around like that when we’re trying to find a friend who could be lost forever or worse: dead. I see Lakota’s ears perk up as she hears me approaching. She casually uses her paw to slide Clay’s hand off her back.
“Finn,” she said turning to me.
Kiah is only a couple of feet ahead of us and turns his head briefly to see me. Then looks ahead again continuing his search for his lost friend. His green eyes look guilty and he’s fighting back tears. He feels bad for losing Pan. The two are like brothers: Pan is to Kiah what Nick is to me.
I look the wolf in her motherly yellow eyes. She looks tired. I believe telling the story about her kids and husband had drained the white wolf more than she had planned.
“Lakota,” I replied respectively.
I walked on her opposite side. Clay gave me a brief look of contempt and beelined for Kiah. Clay started questioning the otter about how he had lost Pan.
I briefly look Lakota in the eyes again and turn back to my own thoughts afterward. The scent around me seems to be getting stronger. The smell of damp earth getting more pungent as we walk on. The temperature goes up slightly further tempting me to remove my coat, but I know I’ll drop it and lose it in the darkness. Plus I had put my picture of Nick in it earlier.
“So, Lakota…” I began.
The wolf turned to me as we continued to walk our paws crunching the ice beneath us.
“It’s okay Finn. Really it is.” I knew she was talking about herself, and how she felt about telling her story, but her response came with a cold tone, a tone she didn’t normally speak with.
“Yeah, okay.” I replied.
I sighed. I couldn’t take this. I knew she was just depressed like me, but I needed someone to talk to. I reluctantly started for Clay.
“Shit, wait Finn!” I heard Lakota call after me.
I didn’t respond. I’d talk to her later, right now I needed someone even if they didn’t care. Someone to listen. As I came up behind Clay, Kiah fell suddenly. The torch rolled out of his paws and had almost extinguished before Clay deftly grabbed it up off the ground. He stood over the otter as Lakota came rushing over. I carefully followed Lakota shuffling my paws carefully to avoid whatever had tripped him. Dogs do not fare well in faceplanting due to our more pronounced muzzles.
“Kiah are you alright?”
The otter whined.
“Fuck,” he swore his face still on the ground.
I saw blood all over his nose.
“Mmm… I’ve got to stop hitting my nose, I can barely smell anything now.” The otter said as he used his paws to stand himself back up.
“No, you need to sit back down, and rest for a few minutes.” Lakota said reassuredly.
Clay shook his head, annoyed.
“Lakota you can’t be serious, he’s just got a bloody nose for shit’s sake!” Clay exclaimed.
“Clay’s right.” Kiah chided.
“We need to find Pan.” The otter said taking the torch from Clay’s outstretched paw.
“Kiah-” Lakota started.
“We need to find Pan. I can manage. It’s just a bloody nose.” Kiah said sincerely. His eyes flashed a serious glare I had never before seen on the otter’s face.
“If you want to take a look at it when we get back, you can.” He said turning away from the she-wolf.
We started again. Soon, I caught up with Clay. I turned and looked the coyote in the face. The small amount of torchlight didn’t illuminate much of his face, but in another life I would have thought he was attractive, but right now I can’t emotionally afford to become infatuated with another member of the team. If they died too… I don’t know what I would do. I’m already too attached to each member, and I don’t want to make it any worse.
It doesn’t help that over the past couple of weeks, I had been developing feelings for Kiah. Little secrets I’d hide away. I really thought it was just a crush, but now with Nick gone I think it could have been much more than that.
“What was that all about?” I asked the coyote next to me.
“She’s just tired. The apocalypse can do that to you.” Clay laughed.
I shared his laughter. I stopped when I saw Lakota give me a reproaching glance.
I dived right in. Asking the big question I had wanted an answer to for months now.
“Are you and Lakota, together?” I asked, whispering the question in the coyote’s ear.
“I’d like to think that we are, we’ve cuddled and kissed on occasion. You caught us in the act earlier today.”
Maybe I was wrong about Clay. Maybe he isn’t trying to take advantage of Lakota.
“You haven’t you know…” I whispered the last part in his ear.
“Slept together?”
Clay smiled.
“No, we haven’t. I’ve tried to, but she always says no. Its disappointing.” He said slightly aggravated.
I raised an eyebrow.
“So, you guys are in love?” I asked nudging his shoulder.
“In a way yes. I’m just not sure if she knows it yet. I think she’s got some baggage she’s got to sort through then she’ll be fine.” The way he said baggage irked me.
I lowered my head and continued to walk alongside him. It still seemed like he had an ulterior motive. Like there was something sinister hidden in those yellow eyes.
“Did you have someone before all this?” I asked, trying not to think of Nick. My voice sounded slightly flustered, as I held back tears.
“Yeah, there was this fennec named Alex that I used to go out with, but we broke up before the snow. I was pretty depressed for a while after Alex left, but this winter seemed to invigorate me. I feel like I was born to live in it.” He stated.
Was Alex his boyfriend? Was Clay bisexual? It didn’t seem likely, the coyote seemed straight from the get go, than again looks can be deceiving.
“Hmm. Alex, sounds like a nice girl.” I said testing him.
“Yeah, she was nice.” Clay replies with the answer to my tacit question.
“Don’t worry about me getting in your way with Lakota.” I smiled.
“Huh?” Clay shrugged.
“Why wouldn’t I have to worry. There’s going to come a time when everyone will want the only female left in the group. It’s just instinct.” The coyote said with a slight chuckle.
“Sure, whatever.” I laughed out loud.
I walked up to Kiah. The otter turned to me.
“How’s your nose?” I asked.
“It feels like shit, what do you expect?” He said as he wiped off a trickle of blood with his empty paw. His other arm was curling in and out of a fist. The otter was pissed.
“PAN!” Lakota yelled to the cave which echoed back I could hear desperation in the wolf’s voice.
“PAN!” I yelled into the cave.
“I’m over here!” I heard a familiar ermine’s voice call.
“Follow my voice!” Pan yelled.
“Why couldn’t we have done that sooner?” I heard Clay murmur under his breath.
“You guys should come here!” Pan yelled.
Now, I can see the small orange dot of his torch. I run towards him, followed by Kiah who quickly passed the torch off to Lakota. As I got closer I could see the ermine was standing over something.
I stopped when I saw what it was. Kiah nearly knocked over Pan with a big hug. The ermine patted the otter on the back, but looked preoccupied with something else.
“I thought we lost you. Don’t do that again to me!” The otter laughed.
Soon, Lakota and Clay caught up and they saw what I saw. The ermine was standing over a frozen corpse. One of its arms was missing, but the rest of it was intact, albeit slightly decayed. It looked like a jackal. Either way it meant one thing…
We’re not alone.
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