Contains brief language
Nick’s corpse slowly becomes a slight bump in the distance. After a while he isn’t there at all. Every step I take is another step away from him, and it makes me feel a harrowing amount of guilt that eats me up inside. He’s dead and I don’t even get a chance to bury him.
The wind and snow pushes me from all sides as I straggle behind Lakota, the only female in our group. A few moments ago she yelled for me to keep up. I turn my head back one more time to try and get a glimpse of Nick, but he’s gone, gone forever.
I push against the force of this neverending winter to catch up to Lakota. Even though we always have to yell, it’s good to have someone to talk to in this frozen landscape. I’m not ready to talk about Nick with her or any of the group yet, but anything else as a distraction from the grief will suffice.
“Hey, Lakota.” I yell, nudging the white-furred wolf’s shoulder.
The she-wolf turns and looks me in the face, her white fur blending in with the snow outside and her yellow eyes piercing me.
“Finn.”She replied to me casually, moving her head slightly to the right and smiling, almost in a maternal manner.
The snow was blowing her fur every which way, making me wonder how she could even see. Then again, I probably looked the same. I had to brush snow away from my fur every few minutes. Kiah and Pan didn’t have to worry about the snow due to their shorter fur. Kiah being and otter and Pan being an ermine gave them each their own advantages, and disadvantages. Shorter fur in the snow means more layers of clothing.
“How are you doing?” Lakota asked in a concerned tone.
I managed a shrug through the winter cold as we walked on.
“Fine, I guess.” I replied trying to come across as nonchalant even though I knew the white wolf wouldn’t believe it.
“I can’t believe he’s dead.” I said solemnly, gazing downward at the snow being crunched by my paws.
“Who? Nick?” She asked briefly looking ahead towards Clay. The coyote’s grey tail moved with the wind, but it looked as if the solemn canine was wagging his tail.
I saw Clay turn his head and give us both a brief glance as I looked up. His brown eyes looked like they were hiding something under that brown-grey fur of his.
“Yeah, Nick.” I replied, focusing my eyes on the path ahead, but not on the coyote in front of me.
A particular nasty gush of wind pummeled a ton of snow into my face. I wiped it from my fur with a few pats of my white-black paws. I could feel melted snowflakes dripping down my fur inside my coat, soaking me with cold on the inside.
“We’re you two close?” Lakota asked my black snow-stained ears perked up a little at the question and I knew the wolf saw my reaction, even as I continued to look away from her.
“No.” I lied, not wanting to give her the burden of my emotional state right now.
“I just feel somewhat responsible, I wish I could have helped him, or stopped him.” I said remorsefully.
“There is nothing you can do for him now.” Lakota replied . I could feel her kind yellow eyes looking at me and I turned to face them, connecting the yellow with my green.
Her reply came across in a motherly tone, but to me it felt sinister. It was as if the universe had cursed me, first this eternal winter and now Nick, what next?
“Yeah, you’re right.” I replied and lowered my head with a sigh.
I had turned my muzzle away from the white wolf, but I still glimpsed her yellow eyes staring at me out of the corner of my own.
Sometimes the snow beneath my paws was my greatest companion in this ordeal. It never changed. People can change all the time, people die, but at least the snow stays, even if it stings like hell. I thought Nick would stay just like the snow did: forever. The cruel truth is we all die.
“Finn, are you alright?” Lakota questioned.
I turned to the wolf looking at her like a mother.
“Yeah,” I began, choking back tears, holding the sorrow in enough so it wasn’t obvious.
“Why wouldn’t I be?”
I nearly lost it. I nearly told her everything, but I wasn’t ready to tell Lakota about Nick. I wasn’t ready to tell the wolf that I was gay and my parents had effectively disowned me after I was seventeen, I wasn’t fucking ready. It messed up my my last year of high school and isolated me from all my friends, except Nick, who was always there for me. I thanked God when the apocalypse came, since I knew I could finally be with Nick without someone judging me.
I thought I hear Lakota say something, maybe it was a sigh, my ears shot up at it though, I wanted more comfort. We walked in silence for a few moments. I thought about telling her then, maybe I could. Maybe she wouldn’t care?
“Lakota, I…” I stop myself. I can’t do it. I can’t face the truth. I tear my gaze away from her, as hard as it is, I can’t do it.
The she-wolf turns to me. Her face half concealed by her coat’s big blue hood and the other half by the ever-present snow.
“Finn, if you ever need someone to talk to, just tell me” She gave me a genuine smile, something I hadn’t seen in awhile. The wolf had that kind motherly look in her eyes as I looked briefly at her.
“Sure,” I replied quickly, wanting to get this conversation over with.
Lakota pushed ahead quickly through the storm leaving me alone with my thoughts. She made a beeline for Clay through the roaring snow. As soon as she caught up with the coyote the two began fervently discussing something. His tail blew in the wind, but her’s twitched uncontrollably. While I couldn’t hear anything, I knew it was important. Hopefully it wasn’t about me.
“Finn…” my ears went up as I heard someone yell over the raging storm. I cocked my head back to find Kiah and Pan coming up behind me, struggling against the snow. I decided to ignore them. I don’t want to talk, I want to think.
“Finn?” Kiah called as he got closer.
I can see that Pan is walking directly next to the otter, quiet as usual. The two share a brief word together before coming alongside me. Pan’s striped tail fidgeted nervously. Kiah’s green eyes turn to me when I focus on the otter. He has five layers of clothing on, I only have three, and Pan has six. The otter tilts his head slightly, in a youthful and cute manner.
“Finn?” He began.
“What?” In an uninterested voice.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Kiah asked looking me in the eyes.
As our green irises met I imagined moving a few steps closer, leaning in, and bringing our two mismatched muzzles together in a passionate kiss. I had thought this for the past few weeks. I thought Nick went out into the storm because I had began to draw away from him over the past few weeks, even though he had retreated into himself for the past year.
“No.” I lied.
I saw Kiah shake his head. He flashed me a smile, that I could barely see through the snow. I hoped his green eyes hadn’t seen the pain in my blue. I didn’t need someone else pitying me right now. Especially Kiah, part of me already wanted to move on from Nick, even though it had only been less than a day since the husky’s death.
I turn my face from the ermine/otter duo and keep walking, trying to evade Kiah and his questions. My eyes stare at the snow beneath me as usual. Not today, you didn’t know Nick like I did. Once I was sure I had broken away from Kiah and Pan I looked back to find them talking fervently together.
Now the whole group is acting weird. I mean, did they know me and Nick were in love? If they did, would they care? Me and Nick hadn’t even held hands since we started walking with the group and even before we found them we limited our relationship to brief kissing, if we cuddled it was for body heat against the raging storm, not intimacy. But, a lingering stare between me and Nick would be all the group needed to start suspecting that we were more than friends.
Something about the idea of snow covering everything combined with the instinct for survival caused me and Nick to drift apart. We still remained friends, but I had tried several times when we were alone, before meeting the group, to sleep with him but he always pushed me off, saying “not tonight” or “I’m too tired.”
Sadly, all the couple’s counselors were probably dead, so it was harder to discuss what had come between us. We had tacitly broken up within the first week of meeting the group. A couple of weeks later I had completely moved on from Nick. We had remained good friends, but we just weren’t partners. Some of the time I thought I saw the husky holding back tears. We still talked about our old lives together, sometimes even in private, but we never even had a lingering stare. It was gone.
I had slept with Nick before the apocalypse, much to the chagrin of my parents, who called it a detestable act against God. I didn’t kiss him for a week after they said that. I felt horrible. When my parents were finally out of the picture, I figured I could be with him more often. We hadn’t been able to see each other after my parents found out. So, you can imagine my dismay when he wasn’t responsive for at least a year of walking alone through the snow together. It hurt me to end it, but I had to move on.
I guess the apocalypse will do that to you. It wasn’t helping that the whole group was talking about something behind my back. I think it could have been my sexuality. I turn behind me to see Kiah and Pan still fervently talking about something, but their mannerisms made me think that their topic of conversation was a secret.
I figured my reaction to Nick’s death was a telltale fact that we were more than friends. Clay probably knew, since we attended the same high school together for a year. Maybe he just thought we were friends? Did he hear about me locking lips with Nick at that party? The first and only high school party I ever went to.
“FINN!” My ears stood erect at the sound of Pan’s voice. My face was still downcast, still lost in the past.
Pan zipped past me followed by Kiah. My gaze was downward trying to avoid the nipping bite of the snow, and everyone else. When I looked up I could make out a huge shape in the distance. I saw Kiah reappear out of the biting snow ahead of me.
“It’s a cave!” Kiah yelled even through the snow I saw the mustelid’s youthful face light up.
“Come on, Finn, this thing is huge!”
My spirits went up for a moment, I pushed through the storm and my sadness towards where Kiah stood. When I reached him he was ecstatic.
“Everyone else is at the entrance.” He yelled over the roaring snow.
I trudged on with the otter for a few more paces until I we came upon the rest of the group. They were standing at the mouth of the cave. It’s ceiling was three or four persons high and was covered with sharp icicles, like the teeth of a giant monster. Clay stood completely still with his arms crossed, his tail twitched like he was trying to stop it from wagging. Lakota was sporting a smile that lit up her already white muzzle.
“How could this even form?” I heard Clay ask, out of the blue. His yellow eyes were calculating, trying to figure it out for himself.
“Well, it may look it, but it’s not all ice. Part of it is snow that formed over ice.” Pan began, this was the most I’ve heard him speak since I’ve met the ermine. He was grinning. Kiah turned to him and slapped the ermine on the back playfully.
“Nerd,” the otter snickered.
I glimpsed Pan give Kiah the finger before returning to his explanation.
“The snow and ice probably formed over a structure. That would explain the curve of the cave mouth.” The ermine explained, Kiah’s eyes were glowing and I tried not to stare.
I shook my head.
“Pan, are you an expert at everything?” I laughed.
“Science, math, and all technology.” He recited as if it was a creed.
Kiah began to walk forward into the cave. I began to notice the wind making funny noises. Probably from the pull of the cave mouth, and the differing air temperatures. Lakota stopped the otter by putting her white paw on his chest.
“No, wait.” She commanded. Here ears were catching the stranger sounds too. The white triangles moved estatically.
“Pan,” she turned to the ermine again, who’s goggles had came off for the first time now, revealing his fiery orange-brown eyes.
“How do we know its stable?”
Clay nodded while Pan brushed some snow off his head.
“My guess, it’s fine. A cave like this must have been around for months.” The ermine explained.
The wind was getting louder and colder, I knew everyone wanted to get inside and start a fire. I turned to Clay and shrugged. I couldn’t see much into the cave, so I couldn’t tell how deep it went. It seemed like it could go on forever, and I hoped it did, I would finally have something to take me away from this never ending storm and possibly away from Nick.
“Let’s go.” Clay said.
As I ventured in following Pan and Kiah I turned to see where Clay and Lakota had gone off to. The two canines were conversing rapidly again. God, what the hell were they talking about, I throw that concern off my back with my new-found shelter. It was bigger than I thought, way bigger than I thought. In the cave I hoped to find away out of the guilt of Nick’s death or at least a way to get rid of it and hopefully, they would come true.
Comments
Post a Comment